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Blending scientific research with vivid narrative, the book utilizes current psychological theories about relationships, interdependence, attachment, and communication to provide careful analysis of the sometimes amusing and often heartrending stories people tell about their love lives. The central focus is the subjective experience: What it feels like to love someone who does not love you in return, and what is it like to be pursued by someone whose attentions you wish to discourage. Demolishing pat theories about human fulfillment coming from loving or being loved, this valuable counterweight to traditional studies explores the other, darker side of love to show that it is the mutuality of affection that is crucial to happiness.
A particularly valuable feature of BREAKING HEARTS is its unprecedented treatment of the rejector's experience. Known only from the unreliable perspective of the would-be lover, the elusive "heartbreaker" has remained an enigma. Here, perhaps for the first time, rejectors tell what it is like to be loved in vain. They describe their inner turmoil, pervasive uncertainty about how to act, and distressed reluctance to inflict harm. They grapple with the paradox of believing themselves to be morally innocent yet feeling profoundly guilty, and describe powerful feelings of exasperation and helplessness when the admirer refuses to take no for an answer. Contrary to stereotypes, the rejectors describe their experiences more negatively than the heartbroken lovers. For the would-be lover, the encounter was a high-stakes gamble, with possible outcomes ranging from tortured pain and humiliation to ecstatic bliss and fulfillment. To the rejector, it was a no-win proposition that offered only vexation and trouble.
Throughout, chapters deal with the separate roller-coaster ordeals of two people--the ups and downs of self-esteem, struggles over guilt and justification, and the systematically discrepant versions of what actually occurred. Lessons people learn from being either willing or unwilling participants in unrequited love are discussed, as are the ways in which they change following such episodes.
BREAKING HEARTS presents careful research in an engaging style that will be accessible to all. Social scientists interested in marriage, family issues, emotion, self esteem, guilt, and human coping will find the book illuminating. It will obviously be of interest to anyone who has experienced unrequited love, and is fascinating reading for those seeking new insights into the tragicomic mystery of romance.
Roy F Baumeister
Roy F. Baumeister received his PhD in experimental social psychology in 1978 from Princeton. He has had a productive career with over 700 scientific publications, including 43 books. Scientific influence is measured by counting how often a researcher's work is cited in other scientific publications, and by that method, Baumeister is one of the most influential psychologists alive today. A 2022 comparison of 8.5 million scientists in the world, across all fields, ranked him #128, thus in the top 1% of the top 1% of all scientists. His book WILLPOWER: REDISCOVERING THE GREATEST HUMAN STRENGTH, co-authored with science journalist John Tierney, was a New York Times and Amazon bestseller. Much of his career has been spent tackling grand philosophical problems with social science data, such as in his books EVIL: INSIDE HUMAN VIOLENCE AND CRUELTY, MEANINGS OF LIFE, THE CULTURAL ANIMAL and THE SCIENCE OF FREE WILL. Over the years, he has held affiliations with diverse universities and institutes, including several in the U.S. (i.e., Harvard; Stanford; Florida State University; Case Western Reserve University; University of Virginia; University of Texas at Austin; University of California, Berkley; University of California, Santa Barbara) and several in other countries (i.e., University of Queensland, Australia; University of Bamberg, Germany; Jacobs University Bremen, Germany; Max-Planck-Institute, Germany; Free University of Amsterdam, The Netherlands; King Abdulaziz University, Saudi Arabia). In 2023, he received the Distinguished Scientist award from the Society for Experimental Social Psychology, and in 2014, he received the William James Fellow award from the Association for Psychological Science. He now lives in the mountains where he likes to take hikes with his small dog and ski in the winter. He also composes music on the piano.
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