The Bacteriologist At Play

Do you even remember what normal thoughts feel like? If not, you have found the book for you. Yes, it is a book. It has pages. The pages have words. Buy the book, and begin committing its words to memory. Within a matter of days, your life will change: People will bend to your will, your body will take on normal proportions once more, money will flood into your bank account like diarrhea, the laws of physics will come off as mere *suggestions*, and you'll find that your new "gift of tongues" allows you to converse with small animals (as well as the microbial world). Your only obligation 'pon completing this book is to communicate its contents to others. Recite it on street corners. Gift it to dads and grads to aid them in this world and the next. Disseminate its gnarled wisdom. Form new religions with this text as the centerpiece.