Manhood

This winter we surveyed hundreds of people—of all genders—about what they think men are for. Below you’ll find an edited selection of their answers.

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ALEX
Vice president of marketing, 37
Stone Mountain, Georgia
male

What, if any, is your most “masculine” trait?

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Being reliable for those around me.

How did you learn what it meant to be a man?

My father was a big example. I saw him struggle with depression and alcohol, but he taught me a lot about what matters in life. Both of my parents had brothers with special needs, and for my father, that meant an extra responsibility to always “use what we were given.” Even the ability to read or hold a job isn’t necessarily available to everyone, so we won the lottery if we were just able to work and build a reasonable life for ourselves. That taught me about being grateful for what we do have, remaining humble and working through the difficult times. Even the ability to work hard toward a goal is its own blessing.

What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?

There are a lot of competing messages about masculinity, and the only people willing to discuss it with the men going through it tend to be those pushing a regressive version of masculinity. A man that really does want to be more open emotionally or who is creative or is less ambitious can either be labeled as “less manly” or will be told to stop complaining because others have had it much worse for much longer.

There’s a constant struggle to seem manly enough to be respected without going so far as to be a troglodyte.

Is there anything you think only men can understand?

I think the experience of men is unique to those who’ve lived it. For instance, I’ve shared with my wife that it isn’t that I don’t want to talk to my close friends about my feelings, it’s that it literally doesn’t occur to me as an option.

When I’ve shared that idea with women, they tend to jump to something about me being emotionally closed off, not trusting my friends or being afraid of emotional rejection. But that’s not it. I think it’s that, ever since I was three years old growing up in Alabama, people told me to suck it up, stop whining, get back to work and just get through it. You hear that long enough and discussing pain or discomfort gets hammered out of your mind as a possible solution.

The reality is that I probably couldn’t successfully rewire those parts of my brain after nearly forty years if I wanted to.

What are men for?

In earlier ages, I think men had more clearly defined roles largely based on body size and strength. In the modern era, those advantages have become less useful, and if anything, heightened physicality and aggression become a detriment in an increasingly multicultural and urbanized environment. Instead, men become simply equal participants in the same project of creating culture and society as non-men. We have to figure out if there’s a uniquely male contribution to that project that doesn’t become territorial or exclusionary, and we must be willing to allow that project to transform us too.

In short, I guess men are for figuring out what men are for.

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ANONYMOUS
Middle school science teacher, 30
Asheville, North Carolina
nonbinary

What, if any, is your most “masculine” trait?

I’m really annoying about facts and semantics. Working on getting better about it.

How did you learn what it meant to be a man?

In high school, I religiously read GQ, pored over the website The Art of Manliness and would only wear deodorant marketed for men. As a young AFAB [assigned-female-at-birth] person who was always running away from the idea of growing up as a woman, I found the cultural marketing of manhood very appealing. I saw it as something that allowed you to have robust adventures, fix everyday things, engage in complex cultural conversations and carry yourself with an easy confidence.

Of course, when I left the small town I grew up in and met more men, I found that my previous ideas about manliness were, to put it generously, misaligned.

I find that for many men, manliness has a lot to do with a lack of self-awareness and an impressive dedication to never thinking about consequences. In unfortunate addition to that, manhood is mired in a perverse sense of accomplishment when you willfully ignore the opinions, ideas and experiences of others.

However, I do have the great pleasure of knowing many trans men, and I can say that manliness is not that way for everyone. For men who have compassion and a reason to celebrate their manhood without comparing it to other gender experiences, there is much to appreciate. Many queer and trans men exude a camaraderie, reliability, kindness and humor that is not easily found with cis (or straight) men. The world would be unbearable without them.

What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?

True connection. Socially, romantically and with the self. It seems to me that many men move through life like a surly phantom, unwilling to look themselves in the eye or seek friends they can connect deeply with. Genuinely, it’s sad to think about all the guys out there who have not experienced the revelry and forgiveness of being open with another human.

What are men to blame for?

They’re to blame for what every individual is to blame for—things within your power that you wish to change, but don’t move toward.

Is there anything you think only men can understand?

Sure—what it feels like to be a man. Why they furnish their homes like they live in an AI-generated 2008 Sears catalog (with a complete lack of regard to personality or comfort). Why they need an off-roading truck when they only drive to Target and back home. Why they can’t smell that smell?

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HAMZAH
Medical professional, 25
Carol Stream, Illinois
male

What, if any, is your most “masculine” trait?

My work ethic and sense of responsibility. I do my job to the fullest of my ability and then some.

How did you learn what it meant to be a man?

My early role models were several religious figures that I looked up to. The stories of their hardships and accomplishments ran through my mind as a kid and gave me a sense of direction as to the sort of person I wanted to become. As I grew older I did become less religious, but the influence of those early figures laid the foundation for my manhood.

One ideology that immediately clicked with me was that of Stoicism. I remember watching a YouTube video on Marcus Aurelius and being amazed by how closely Stoicism aligned with my goals as a person. In my mind, being a stoic is central to being a man.

What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?

Men are increasingly lonely and isolated. We (or at least I) don’t have many close friends to vent to, and this isolation keeps us from finding healthy competition to better ourselves and from expressing ourselves without holding back.

Secondly, men don’t have good role models in their life. We look for role models in the fake personas people have online. I see a ton of men look up to rich, disconnected idiots like they’re Jesus or something (they have zero bullshit detection). I feel men need more real-life mentors to look up to, whether that be a community leader or just a cool, smart homie—shout-out to my brother Faisal for being there for me.

What are men to blame for?

Letting other men down. Being a stoic man does not mean not being emotional, being ruthless to other men and refusing to help brothers. I want men to cry on each other’s shoulders, lift themselves up and become better together. Men should learn to love their brothers.

Is there anything you think only men can understand?

That feeling when it’s 11:45 p.m., you’ve just finished an assignment or project, and you’re so invested in the grind that you almost want to stop sleeping and work for another couple hours or so. That fervent passion that consumes all.

What are men for?

Men are there to uplift people. To be that scaffolding others can depend on. That’s what being a man means to me personally. (That’s not to say men can’t depend on anyone; we play different roles in different relationships.)

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KEVIN
Writer and communications manager, 26
Hillsborough, North Carolina
male

How did you learn what it meant to be a man?

I learned from my father in the context of his marriage to my mother and his continued presence in my life—a privilege I’ve since learned to value, as it is often uncommon among men. He would take a moment to linger at the dinner table after the end of our eating to teach us (us being his four sons) that his measure of manhood was simple: a man’s personal, faithful walk with God and his consistent ethic of hard work (we are orthodox Protestants, if you couldn’t tell). He modeled it himself then and does now. I remember coming out of college into the day-job workforce and realizing what it meant that my father had worked nearly two decades of 7-to-6:30 days in the office when he spoke of “work ethic” and “provision.”

What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?

The proliferation of options and rationalizations to abdicate moral responsibility to ourselves, our loved ones and our neighbors. The “war on men” discourse, the bottomless pits of instant gratification of pornography, the financial shortcuts of small crime, the “take a back seat” message of shortsighted feminism, take your pick—all can feel like reasons to give up on intentional, responsible love for others and pursue selfish gratification instead. It concerns me how much I’d like to give up on those things in my own life; it scares me to know my own son will face the same challenge (when it may be still more developed and enticing).

What are men to blame for?

Selfishness in our relationships and in our expectations of the societies around us, evident in societal repression of women, violent totalitarian ideologies, environmental exploitation, scientific inhumanism and perversions of religious faith. Such are the wages of our sin. Women are as selfish as men, but in men’s historical and continued positions of power, our selfishness reaches farther and razes much harder.

What are men for?

Loving provision by decisive, meek hands—meek in the biblical sense, as in strength restrained by humility and made gentle.

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SEÁN
Lawyer, 57
Ireland
male

What, if any, is your most “masculine” trait?

Never confiding, especially while appearing to.

How did you learn what it meant to be a man?

Punching someone in the face at primary school, after he punched me.

What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?

I don’t accept that “men” are a sufficiently homogenous grouping to have any common issues; and, in any event, I couldn’t care less. It does not matter to me what issues men as a group supposedly face. I have no concept of loyalty toward, or identification with, other men. What a silly idea! They’re competitors, not allies. I find the very idea a bleeding-heart groupthink PC imposition, an unwelcome diminution of my individuality and generally an idiotic and profoundly sexist notion, like some tedious male version of the so-called sisterhood. There’s never been an equivalent “brotherhood” for me. I care about people in need, not about the imagined first-world problems supposedly uniquely “faced” by men.

What are men to blame for?

Nothing.

Is there anything you think only men can understand?

Not much. Generally, men and women understand fuck all. Men are slightly better at raising boys from the age of seven, but I’d dispute the idea that either sex, qua sex, has much by way of special insight. There are generally insightful people, and there are Donald Trumps, but the shape of your bits has nothing to do with it.

What are men for?

Providing for and protecting your family, protecting women, fighting wars and being silly.

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NATE
College student, 21
Somerville, Massachusetts
male

What, if any, is your most “masculine” trait?

Unflinching stubbornness to the point of stupidity.

How did you learn what it meant to be a man?

I learned how to be a man from the other boys in school. I was never told explicitly what it meant, but when I got it wrong it was made obvious.

What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?

Online gambling addictions.

What are men to blame for?

Golf. Which is unforgivable.

Is there anything you think only men can understand?

Of course, not all men are perceptive of this, but there’s a self-consciousness that comes from the fact that many people are very wary of you. As a queer man, it can feel isolating to know that even my female friends will always keep a little distance from me.

What are men for?

Many men are able to move through the world in such an incredibly unencumbered way. There are no hours of anxious rumination, no obsessive consideration of the consequences. They can just get up and do stuff. It’s incredible. So that’s what they’re for, I think.

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JENNY
Sales manager, 31
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
female

What, if any, is your most “masculine” trait?

My consulting firm-branded navy L.L. Bean quarter-zip pullover.

How did you learn what it meant to be a man?

From my dad and my uncles and my brother, who have modeled strength through softness their entire lives. It’s a particular type of man but I think it’s a demonstrative segment—have been thinking a lot about “girl dads” recently and think the constant definitive trait that makes someone a girl dad is an unrelenting and driving sense of bemused protectiveness.

What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?

The complete lack of a clear social vision of their purpose and role as men. See: Richie’s storyline in The Bear.

What are men to blame for?

Being passive bystanders, in specific situations and in a global sense.

Is there anything you think only men can understand?

The lay of their web of contradictions.

What are men for?

Variety.

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SAMUEL
Graduate student, 25
San Diego, California
male

What, if any, is your most “masculine” trait?

My insolence, by which I mean my confidence in challenging figures of authority in my environment, and the assumption that such interventions will not come back to bite me.

How did you learn what it meant to be a man?

My dad and I always physically fought (somewhat playfully, somewhat not) when I was a kid. The goal was to make the other submit, something I achieved much to his shame when I was fourteen years old. That permanently altered our relationship, and it led me to treat him less like an authority than an equal. My dad recently confessed that he had found that fight emasculating. I remember distinctly feeling virile in that moment. If I were to abstract away what I learned, then, it’s that to be a man is to compete with and defeat other men.

What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?

The biggest hurdle men face today has little to do with being men, but if we’re speaking of men qua men, then my guess would be finding a social narrative that (i) guides them, (ii) gains purchase amongst men and (iii) is in harmony with the social narratives of other genders. I think men look to their gender identity for normative guidance and confidence, and they look to other men to see whether they are performing their gender correctly. But the performance of male gender is an utter disaster, morally compromised and, in many spaces, understandably unwanted. In many male minds, it feels like they’re doing their job and being hated for it. They do not understand why.

What are men to blame for?

Pervasive and systemic sexual violence. This, to my eye, creates a lot of the threat of men. It is difficult to tend to wounded animals when you think they’ll bite if they get the chance.

Is there anything you think only men can understand?

There are a lot of pains associated with failed gender performance that are difficult to understand if you haven’t been policed for failing to perform that gender. I’ll just give an example.

Specific forms of sexual inadequacy are much more commonly used as grounds for criticism of unmanliness than unwomanliness, though certainly women can also be targeted in this way. Especially concerning is the association of erectile impotence, even just in a token instance, with unmanliness, since there is an assumption there that men always want to have and feel comfortable having sex. It is an assumption that many men also make, and it can be difficult to recognize even in yourself that perhaps that is not a sign of weakness, or even anxiety, but a lack of desire. It took me until I was 24 years old to think of sex in terms of whether I wanted it.

What are men for?

I think in our present social context, guiding social narratives have a hard time getting a grip on gender unless that gender narrative takes the form of emancipation. You do see men talk about manhood in terms of emancipation, but to me that rings false given their position in the social hierarchy is, at least in many key ways, still at the top.

Men are for what anyone is for, to love and to laugh, to learn, to take care and to be taken care of, to breathe when the air still allows it, to gain through time a sense of what a good life looks like, and to seek it out.

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ANONYMOUS
Public high school English teacher, 49
Auburn, Alabama
male

What, if any, is your most “masculine” trait?

My inability to “see that things need cleaning.” In the novel True Grit, the grim female narrator notes that “men will live like billy goats if you let them”—and I feel like that’s true.

How did you learn what it meant to be a man?

I guess from the men around me at church and in town. Since I’m a Southerner, I saw that men—in general—were tough, strong, worked hard, weren’t too emotional (although often affectionate) and were into trucks, football, hunting, drinking and women. Although my dad taught me to work hard and to be moral and kind, he did not teach me much about what it meant to be a man physically. That was hard for me. I didn’t play sports, so I never learned anything about being masculine in that world except by outsider observation. It has taken my whole life to overcome that gap.

What would you say is the biggest challenge or hurdle that men face today?

Not being villainized or being reduced to “unimportant” simply because they are men. I think men aren’t being taught to be gentlemanly or noble in their behavior to others—and that is costing us dearly. Men and women both deserve to be celebrated. It is good to be either.

What are men to blame for?

Taking for granted their greatness, believing themselves to be better than they are, not acknowledging the work they need to do to be truly good, and too easily blaming women and their rising status and power for their own shortcomings.

Is there anything you think only men can understand?

Yes. What it feels like to be a man both physically and emotionally. How lonely it is. How inarticulate it is. What masculine desire feels like. What the pressure to see almost every man as competition on several levels feels like. It’s not just women who sometimes are reduced to being worth no more than their body.

What are men for?

Using their strength and giving their whole life to defend what is good, true and noble against what is evil, especially for those who need that strength to survive. Men are also responsible for making other men—only they can make that happen.

Image credit: H. Irving Hancock, “Composite Exercise for Limbering Up,” from Physical Training for Business Men, 1917. Collection of the Library of Congress.